✰ навсегда забытый ✰
- forgotten forever -
to nin
hm explored
to hm
photos and art by russell mills
here for more of his work
to nin
photo and art credits (left to right): russell mills' 'eraser' art remastered by rob sheridan, rob sheridan's shot of the tension tour (2013), russell mills' 'eraser' art remastered by rob sheridan
thank you for everything that you’ve done for me and many others. your passion for music and creativity never goes unnoticed. the world would have been a much more different place without you and i don’t think it’s one that i would have liked to see.
thank you for your songs, your singles, your lp’s, your albums, your scores, your words, your musicianship, your perseverance, your belief in everyone around you, and your belief in your fans. you hand us the world through ways you can’t even imagine.
✰ Hesitation Marks explained ✰
so here is hesitation marks explained through my interpretation
gif from the "came back haunted music video" dir. david lynch
please beware: sensitive subjects are discussed
-- trigger warnings: drugs, abuse, mental health, death, destruction, abandonment --
1. the eater of dreams - 0:53 - the opening track always prepares you for what’s in store. i always felt as if ‘the eater of dreams’ set a mood for being uncomfortable and opening up to a new place. if the song were to be implanted into a score/soundtrack, it would be placed in a scene where we watch a protagonist enter a dark tunnel filled with terrors that are yet to be uncovered. he would look around anxiously as to what was coming. the tunnel would definitely be metaphorical; it would represent the horrors of the mind, dissociation, control, and being lost. these horrors are ones that are being revisited; they are familiar.2. copy of a - 5:23 - ‘copy of a’ has always felt like something deeper than just a song full of repetitions and trent mumbling into a microphone. ‘copy’ is about feeling like nothing but a regenerated spawn of yourself, over and over again. ive always seen it as a metaphor to conforming to be something that you dont want to be, whether that be from a political point of view, family expectations, the terrors of a social clock, or wanting to fit in everywhere you go and being an inevitable people pleaser. you cant stop doing what people expect of you and the result is you becoming a shell of a human being; you become a shadow, a copy, and an echo.3. came back haunted - 5:17 - ‘came back haunted’ seems to represent more than just going somewhere physically and being scared of it. spiraling into drug addiction and unhealthy coping mechanisms hosts a demon within you and nothing can stop it from growing and constantly eating away at your insides and thoughts. the music video is discomforting and offputting, surely mirroring this concept. returning to old habits or fixating on the past haunts someone in a way that isnt imaginable unless they lay in bed and contemplate everything wrong theyve done throughout their years. referring back to the score concept, the protagonist would be having constant flashbacks and doubting himself; his new self is a consequence because he is not who he used to be. his memories are coming back to haunt him.4. find my way - 5:16 - through this song, it’s safe to say that the themes from ‘the downward spiral’ have been revisited, but from a different light; theyve been revisited by a changed man who doesnt want to destroy and wreck everything in his path anymore. he just hates himself for everything he’s done and is trying to rediscover who he really is. trent has mentioned how he ‘doesnt know that guy’ when he refers to himself in the hesitation marks era. it’s highly possible that he felt as if he lost himself again, but not through drugs, destruction, and chaos, but through age, time, lifestyle changes, and withdrawals. the ‘downward spiral’ revisit seems to highly linger in this album, especially since the same font was reused on one of the covers of the album. the protagonist is lost, even though he’s been through hell and back and is trying to toss himself back on track, even though he doesnt really know how. he may be getting urges again, feeling pressured, or feeling as if the feelings of pain, sadness, and sorrow are revisiting him in another sense. he is trying to find his way out of the tunnel to escape the horrors and revisiting the trauma.5. all time low - 6:18 - this song seems to talk about exactly what the title insinuates: reaching an all-time low. ive personally interpreted this song as one of trent’s biggest frustrations when he wasnt sober. it’s about how he keeps returning to drug usage no matter how much he wants to quit and stop and no matter how much he’s grown to hate himself and who he’s become. the lyrics say enough about how he feels about his drug usage: the highs and lows, the constant questioning, the dissociative qualities, the addiction, the annoyance, the paranoia, the fear, and the pros and cons. the song also represents the highs and lows of anxiety, depression, and complex manic episodes: the yeses, the nos, and everything in between. the funky tune definitely inputs a sick twist on the entire meaning of the piece. trent seems to be the expert of disguising the saddest songs through beats and tunes that make you want to dance and scream the lyrics without further analysis, and ‘all time low’ is my perfect example of that. trent has also mentioned in an episode of 'song exploder' for 'the lovers' that writing about his past doesnt make him feel better; talking about it doesnt make him feel better. he wants to move on and be a better person, not revisit what he used to be. however, hitting this all time low can be a direct result of that.6. disappointed - 5:44 - it seems to be safe to say that during the writing of this album, trent was encountering an emotional breakdown unlike any other (even though he pretty much does that almost all the time.) this song has always been sad to me because the protagonist is encouraging people to leave him since he wont ever change his ways, no matter how much they expect him to be different. down to the core, this song is pessimistic and has an annoyed tone. it’s the type of song that is the type to be played during or after an argument in a movie in any sort of toxic relationship. the protagonist believes he’s the scum of the earth and will do nothing but disappoint people in the end. the world, the protagonist, trauma, and high expectations are part of the reason he will never change. too much is expected of him and he will end up pushing everyone away because he is saying that, generally, he will never be enough for anyone.7. everything - 3:20 - ‘everything’ is nothing but another upbeat distraction from the dark truth: the protagonist is facing withdrawal from the unhealthiest coping mechanisms, even though the demon inside of him is convincing him that he will always return to his destructive ways at the end of the day. the brief moment of euphoria will always take over and shed a positive light on the worst situation, but it’s only a matter of time before he stops feeling free and non-foggy. this song would be a perfect placement for a scene with someone going through any sort of binge-and-purge episodes: this includes parties, drugs, harm, destruction, and mutilation.8. satellite - 5:03 - this song is completely up to interpretation as no one seems to really have made theories about what it means. the song seems to represent how observant people view everything about people they are trying to figure out. paranoia and fear cause a person to avoid confrontation, find loopholes, and a way around the truth. this anxiety could easily be placed in the protagonist’s mind to feel watched and cause him to feel like he is walking on eggshells against the bigger enemy of the simulation. the mental terrors seem to be haunting him non-stop and he cant seem to find any open doors to escape this horror. it is similar to the horrors in the hunger games’ ‘catching fire:’ each hour, a new terror arises that is nothing but psychologically damaging and fear-inducing. he is watched at all times by a tyrannical force (whatever that may be: a judgemental god, a guilty conscience, or the government are included.)9. various methods of escape - 5:02 - ‘various methods of escape’ is definitely one of the most overlooked tracks in nine inch nails’ discography. this song is definitely grasping the horrible sides of attachment issues, loneliness, abandonment issues, and no one understanding and hearing you out about it all. it represents toxic relationships, whether that be romantic, platonic, maternal, or any other type. the protagonist is crying out for help and is in a dissociative state where he is losing himself in his relationships, his traumas, and his fears. it is the protagonist’s most vulnerable moment, and that’s clear throughout the almost whispered verses. he is telling himself how much he has to let go and ‘get straight,’ but he cant seem to do it. there is a relationship, specifically with a man (which is overlooked so much!), that is holding him back from being who he has to be, should be, and wants to be. he is begging for people to hear him and what he has to say, but no one seems to help him find a way to truly escape without guilt, fear, or regret spawning as a consequence of his actions.10. running - 4:08 - ‘running’ seems to be a sequel to ‘various methods of escape.’ the protagonist is running away from his problems, but he is running in circles over and over again. he cant seem to find a way to hide from his problems and his greatest fears. the run is an endless marathon of emotion, anxiety, and fear. the constant repetition is doing its job of placing emphasis on the protagonist’s situation of never finding a good way to escape his own mind, which seems to be the main tormenter left over. he will never get away from who he was, no matter what demeanor he displays publicly.11. i would for you - 4:33 - ‘i would for you’ is the perfect representation of insecure and/or traumatized human beings turning into someone else to try and please others and fall down the rabbit hole of constant people-pleasing. although the protagonist physically cannot say no, he knows he’s in the wrong for submitting to his fears. in the endless cycle of trying to change for others as best as he can but to no avail, time is cyclical. he cant change for the life of him. as a result, he lies to himself, fools himself, shames himself by reminding himself of ‘what could have been,’ and blames himself.12. in two - 5:32 - ‘in two’ is the perfect representation of an internal battle. the protagonist is trying to convince himself and prepare himself of the pain he’s going to face by transforming himself and forcing himself to make changes that he doesnt want to make, though they are necessary. i see this song being played in a scene where the protagonist is staring at his poison (whether that be a bottle, a needle, a sharp object, or anything else used to cause harm and mutilation) in one hand and his phone with text messages from a loved one begging him to stop and be someone else in the other. the verses change songs, and viewing his old self and his new self seems to be ripping him to shreds as he realizes what a difference the changes can make. at first the two personalities will clash, then blend, then he wont know anymore. he knows what he deserves, but he cant seem to know what to choose because his addictions are so hard to leave.13. while i'm still here - 4:03 - one notable aspect about ‘while i’m still here’ is how the transition from ‘in two’ is immediate, like the switches in the state of the protagonist’s mind. this song in particular also alludes back to trent’s consistent themes of ‘and all that could have been.’ this lyric has been a constant in his music for years, and the line always refers to relationships where he feels as if he could have done better. the protagonist seems to be begging his ex to hold him near and dear while he is still around because he knows how much better he could have done. ‘all the things that might have been’ seems to eat him alive as he recalls over and over again how much better he could have done. his time is up to fix whatever he fucked up, and it’s killing him seeing others do well while he isnt. this song could easily be placed at the end of a film in a scene where the protagonist just lost his lover because of his destructive ways. everything, at that moment, fell apart and slipped away from him.14. black noise - 1:29 - ‘black noise’ puts the icing on the emotional cake, as it continues on in a perfect transition from ‘while i’m still here.’ after all has been said and done, the protagonist has reached the end of the tunnel. he’s landed in an empty street in the middle of the night, tears of remorse, sadness, and frustration pouring down his cheeks. he’s fucked up more times than he can count, and it resulted in no happy endings for him.
overall, this album explores the topics of near-death experiences, loneliness, abandonment, attachment, dissociation, depression, anxiety, withdrawal, addiction, manic episodes, depersonalization, mutilation, destruction, harm, and change. from start to finish, the story of an insecure, scared, and lost protagonist is being told. he is losing his loved ones and himself because of his old habits and inability to change and adapt. his internal battles with the demon of his past living within him sparks the storyline and causes the highs and lows we see throughout the track list. a story is being told, not necessarily in chronological order, but this may as well represent the loss of any track of time that mental health problems cause. he starts his journey, feels heavily, runs, hides, cries, feels confident, loses himself, and loses everything. there is no happily-ever-after ending in hesitation marks, just as there is no happily-ever-after to everything in life, including but not limited to recovery, sobriety, and the lessening of the pain of trauma.this album is a revisit to the dark themes and past of the same person we became familiar with in 'the downward spiral.' he is came back and still isnt healed. he is still hurting.
,｡･::･ﾟ☆ a final word to hesitation marks ｡･::･ﾟ★
photos by rob sheridan from the 2013 tension tour
thank you for everything youve done for me. youve given me a space to feel vulnerable in and have given me the opportunity to hurt and not expect to automatically heal through the complex trauma and pain i experience on a daily basis. youve been the hand to hold that ive never had, and you have filled a void that no physical entity or object has been able to fill. for everything that you are, from start to finish, i appreciate and adore you. you are a true work of art that no other person can or ever will recreate.thank you for letting me hurt, for allowing me to feel the full extent of my pain, for letting me cry, for allowing me to dance, for letting me sing again, for allowing me to find my voice even in the darkest of times, and for letting me find the path to find myself.
『 congratulations on finding a secret spot 』
｡･::･ﾟ☆ here's a part of an original poem that i wrote ☆｡･::･ﾟ
My life is a sunset
You’ll find me in the horizon
Bursting with colors and ambivalence
But I go dark within the next few minutes.Everything I do comes crawling back to you.Your name leaving my lips
Is like a curse, a contradiction
A syllable laced with all seven
A profanity to all but my being.I crave you like a canvas;
The emptiness begging to be filled.
Paint me with all your colors;
Regardless of what you possess.